My 21st anniversary! :'D

Alhamdulillah. Thank you YaAllah, for everything.

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This is my love story.

Hello there! Hows your puasa so far? Time flies real fast when we’re in the middle of something good and great. Whew cant believe this! Holy month of Ramadhan will be leaving us in a short while. And this is actually our final weekend before Raya. Wait....... Isit for real? *tepuk pipi* I know it’s gonna be pretty packed and a busy one for us kan? Dont be rush, take your time and have a KitKat. Hehe

Anyways, the reason why I decided to write this post is because I wud like to make things clear about everything which had happened to me. Plus, nak isi masa lapang. Hehe.

Okay , I received like a lot of SMSes, tweets, calls and whatnot from ppl around me asking what is actually happened kan. Thanks for your concern btw. Time tu I dont feel like nak cerita and I decided to tell the one which I am close to je. And now here I am, dah ready nak cerita. And after this, promise me, dont you dare to ask me any single thing about this secara sengaja mahupun tak sengaja. And if you do....... siap la! Hehe jk.

I ended my June 2012 very badly with heart broke into pieces over the news that the person I was in love with head over heels, engaged with someone else. It was really bad that it changed me to the worst person I could be. I cry cry cry like there’s no tomorrow. Even worst, I know that news pon from his abang and not from he, himself. *Imagine being me at that time*

I felt devastated, betrayed, hopeless, depressed and all the negativity feelings in the world combined together. I stopped believe in love. And life. I forgot the purpose why I was brought into the life. I was angry with myself, everyone and God. I thought of suicidal most of the time. Bodohnya saya.... jadi hamba kepada cinta yang tak kekal. Thank God when I think about my family, my mum and dad, it kept me sane.

Along the way, I met many kind of guys. The good and the worst. None of the relationship means anything to me. Anymore. Please dont pin high hopes on me. I dont want to dissapoint anyone at this moment. To those people who I've hurt, I am deeply sorry. Din mean to reject or whatever tapi saat ini, biarlah hati ni bebetul diisi dengan pemilik tulang rusuk ni. Bak kata Dr.Anwar, “Bila buku cinta tulisanNya sampai pada episod yang direncanakan untuk membina masjid dengan bidadara dunia, InsyaALLAH.” To lelaki paling jahat pernah saya jumpa I wish you will get burnt in hell because you deserve it. You know you deserve it! Hah ambek kau! Iolss dah start emosi.

Maka bermulalah episod baru dalam hidupku. And ppl around me start questioning this and that. I remain silence for a while. I spent most of the time with myself to heal this heartbroken. And now almost 75% healed. Alhamdulillah. Thats when I rise. And rise. The lamb transformed into lion. (quote from Robin Hood) :)

I started to accept the fact that Im not destined to be with him. I thank Allah for letting me to meet him. No, it’s not that I’m not over him but I just want to thank him for the lesson he taught me. And now, I manage to find back the serenity. Unknown future husband, saya tunggu awak. Semoga Allah lindungi awak tak kira kat mana pon awak. Tunggu nanti Allah temukan kita k?

A friend of mine once told me this, “Apabila kita redha pada sesuatu yang mengecewakan hati kita, maka percayalah Allah akan menggantikan kekecewaan itu dengan sesuatu yang tidak dijangka.” I believe in that.

I’m trying to be a better person and the first thing I would like to do is ask for your forgiveness from anyone I ever did wrong. Please, forgive me?

Till then. Selamat memburu malam Lailatul Qadar! :)

Allah maha menyayangi. :)

Aunty Rohaya once told me this,

"Be thankful for every heartbreak. They make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life. And see, you do!"

"Be thankful for every heartbreak. For they show your obstacle and addictions, break your heart wide open so new light can get in."

"Be thankful for every heartbreak. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit."

"Be thankful for every heartbreak. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then leave."

"Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were planned by the great Almighty Allah."

Alhamdulillah, I manage to slowly move on although it took me quite a long time. Time heals. Slowly but surely. :') Realizing how blessed I am to be moving into this new chapter. Finally healing from the past and welcoming all which is good for me. Told ya, Allah tu maha menyayangi. Kali ni, biarlah tempat kosong tu bebetol diisi dengan orang sebetulnya, pemilik tulang rusukku. InsyaALLAH ameen.

"Allah will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream InsyaALLAH. Have faith in Him."- Mama

Finale.

Hye everyone. Hows goin? Guess this is my last post before I stop blogging. So, it might be such a long post. Perhaps. Oh btw, excuse my language pls?

Hmm have no idea how to start this. Dear readers, pernah tak u guys rasa heartbroken sampai at this point u guys dah taktau nak describe that feelings? Im going thru this situation right now. Yes, heartbroken this time memang the worst heartbroken ever in my entire life. I've been lied to, cheated on, betrayed, left hanging, waiting for nothing yada yada yada for 2 YEARS and June 2012 semua pon berakhir FOR REAL. Whew! Mesti semorang wondering sebab for the time being, I told that I've no one kan? yerp, We've been on and off sepanjang 2 tahun ni and that's why I cant accept anyone. Hmm... Sepanjang dua tahun, macam macam benda yang jadi. Tapi, sebab love is blind *vomit* I pon jadi orang buta jugak. Bodohnye. Semua yang jadi I buat buat tak nampak bcs I tot he's the one. My real true love sebab no matter how we argue ke apa, at the end, we will always find a way back to each other. Lelaki memang pandai kan? And apa yang buat I yakin that he's the one is, I did solat Istikharah. I need signs. And all I see is him. So yeah. Tapi, June 2012 so much truth came out. Allah tu maha kuasa kan? :) I confused, I tak percaya dengan apa yang jadi. Sakit gegila nak terima realiti. Tapi tu lah realiti. Rasa macam tak percaya je dengan apa yang jadi. As I type this, my tears falling. Tapi I promise to myself that this is the last time I cry because of him. Allah tak akan uji hambaNYA kalau dia tak mampu. Sekarang Dia bagi hujan, nanti ada lah pelangi. Allah maha menyayangi. But I still wondering up till now, why he did this to me. Kejam.

I went crazy lepas I tau everything. Cry cry cry cry. Yknow that feeling kan? Kita sayang orang tu, kita tunggu dia everyday tapi last sekali? I got nothing. Sampai lah satu tahap I doakan semoga dia jatuh gaung pastu mati or having plane crashed ke apa pastu mati. Childish! Takpe, Allah tau kerja Dia. Biar Allah balas semuanya. :)

So, I went to ask Ustaz about my Istikharah before and Ustaz told me that, that's probably because, I tak betol betol leave it to Allah. Masa I buat Istikharah tu maybe hati I kuat and yakin I nak dia, Supposedly, I kena tenangkan hati, and make it equal. Jangan lebih lebihkan sesiapa pon. So Ustaz asked me to do it again. And yeah, I started doing Istikharah again hopefully this time I'll get the answer. Aminnnn.

And last but not least, I swear to myself, I'll start EVERYTHING new this July. Kita sedar apa yang jadi tu ada hikmah tapi kita tetap sedih bila fikir semua tu kan? Ada la hikmahnya ni. Cuma belum nampak je lagi. Sepatutnya bersykur dengan takdir Allah. ANIS KUAT!

Alright, enough with such emo things which barely reflects my mood. Im happy that today is the second half of the year. Yay! Lepasni I'll keep myself busy with my dancing class (just to polish my dancing skills and get my 56 kilos back!), jadi nurse Aina dekat HUKM next week till discharge from hospital *semoga operation semua selamat. Aminnn*, fasting, raya and start new semester and all with a new me. I mean without tunggu anyone dah. Mesti lain rasa lepasni. Kalau sebelum ni setiap masa check handphone, tunggu his text, call. Lepasni dah takda. :)

So before I stop, semoga awak bahagia dengan dia yang awak pilih. Semoga dia menjadi yang terbaik dan yang terakhir buat awak. Sorry for every wrongdoing. Good luck with your new life.

Dear readers, thanks fr reading my blog! Lepasni kalau jumpa kat memana say HYE pls! ;) Looking forward for tonight Euro final! GLI AZZURI! FORZA ITALIA! VINCI PER NOI MAGICA ITALIA!

Love all! *hugs and kisses*

PROBLEM.

So, this is my current problem.

I Always Like The People Who:

• Live too far away from me
• Won’t ever like me back
• Are impossible
• Aren’t interested in anything
• Don’t even notice me
• All of the above.

Pathetic? Yes.... fml

The real star of my life.

Dear my love,

All those years when you carried me through every hurdle I faced. For the times, you stood by me and made me a stronger person, I wish to salute you on this beautiful day. What sadden me, is that no matter what I do, I can never thank you enough. You are my true Super-angel! Remember by the time I feel really heartbroken with all those #$ye@#$A238(&nV6&B? You the one who always be by my side to calm me down. Thanks so much, and now I really really really learnt from that. Oh btw, I've ady got a new crush tho! hehehehehe Anyways, thanks again for EVERYTHING! Wish you a very warm and Happy Birthday. May Allah pour all the love and warmth on you. You will always be the best! I LOVE YOU MALAIKAT DUNIA! :)

Sincerely,

Your forever little girl.

The apple of my eye.

To the most important queen of my heart,

I never thank you enough for listening to me. I never thank you enough for protecting me from the things I shudnt do. I never thank you enough for guiding me in the right direction. I never thank you enough for putting up with my mood swings and arrogance. I never thank you enough for without a doubt being there for me. I never tell you enough how much I love you mama. You mean the world to me, but I dont tell you enough. No matter what, I always will love you, no matter how much we argue or how much you anger me, Ill love you till the day I die. SWEAR.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MY MALAIKAT DUNIA!

Story of my life.

Helo readers! Saya sedang sibuk (ter-amatsangat!) tapi saya cuba meng-update blog dan meluahkan segala yang terbuku dihati. Ehem! Ceritanya bermula macamni....

Okay kejap, have you ever experienced this scenario, one individual (I mean so close to you) disappears suddenly with no apparent reason? Have you? Sedih tak? Rasa macam nak terjun KLCC tak? Astahgfirullahalzim tsk tsk tsk

So here the story begins jeng jeng jeng.... Someone leaves me suddenly with NO explanation. It's more difficult to accept the fact that you dont even know the reasons why. KEJAM TAK? Leave me with a feeling of being used. :( Then what did the "stupid" me do? Yeap, I call him continuously until I get an answer tapi he rejected my call! Send endless text messages eventho it remains unanswered. Even worst, when there's no response, it leads to an increased feeling of panic that I've been deserted. Pathetic?

I come to think that... when somebody disappears with no response its not a good sign actually. Besides, its indeed hurtful. Deleting every trace of the person is sometimes the best thing to do, though its painful. And then..... there comes a time when I think of this, "WHAT KIND OF PERSON COMES INTO YOUR LIFE, TAKES YOU ON A GALACTICA BATTLESTAR RIDE THAT ONE DAMN SCARY ROLLER COASTER IN UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, THEN DISAPPEARS?" (exaggerate much I know) Theres something wrong with that picture kan? In fact, it leaves you with a sense of complete rejection. Dont you? Sometimes those who disconnect are never heard from again. And after all those bullshit they left or maybe bored with their life without us, they reappear. Bongok. So with the help of my beloved girlfriends, they told me not to let that bullshit back in again to prevent the pattern from repeating. Left feeling empty and betrayed again. So yeah, I must be strong this time! Hoyeah! Unless, of course there was a legitimate, true reason for the "disappearing act", though I cant think of many legitimate excuses. Dont you? *sarcastic look*

So readers, can you guess why the heck this scenario happened? For me myself, I think thats all because he wanted to start seeing somebody else. Nahhh I cant think of any other reasons. But the thing here is, why not just be HONEST?! Cowardly cowardly custard, you cant eat mustard! hahahahahahahahah

Hmmmm.... Ill never understand why some ppl think that disappearing is the best course of action when you want out of a relationship. It could save a lot of hurt for the other involved if there was open communication. Sure, it hurts to lose somebody, but its much easier when you're not left HANGING. Not knowing WHY. The end result is a casual brush-off that is demoralizing, to say the least. Especially if you shared many private things.... things you believed were special with the two of you. Then a casual "OH NEVERMIND...." disappearing act! Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words. Sadly, many ppl we care for disappoint us in the most demeaning manner. It makes us wonder all sorts of theories kan kan kannn? Were they lying all along? What was the true motive? What happened in their life to cause such a sudden change? Why did he leave? And many more....... This is a story of my life.

Sedih tak? Tak? Ok foineeeeeeeee. I better off. Grammatical Analysis is waiting for me. Goooooodnight!

2012

Hey everyone. Well, I know it is kinda late to wish ya Happy New Year since its already January 13th. But... Happy New Year anyways. I dont have time to post anything here due to my busy-ness. hee hee hee As I wrote this, Im still struggling getting back into studying fr my last paper (Revelation as Source of Knowledge) which is tomorrow and pack my stuff up to balik kampung fr semester break which also tomorrow. phew!

2011 was honestly the worst year for me. I know people say that all the time, but I really mean it. Out of every year I've been alive, 2011 has been the least nice. :( It is not like I have regrets or whatever, but yknow...

Many things happened in 2011. I know I shall not be regret since semua tu ways of learning kan? But... the worst part I remember is when my ex (the one whom I think is my first real love) left me heart broken and it took me so long to get up and move on. Im still pretty damaged from it, but Im getting better tho. Its like that song "the first cut is the deepest". Thanks to everyone who always be by my side during my tough days. I do experienced heart broken before, but puppy love yknow? it doesnt matter to me. heh. And yes, this one is horrible, really! It was like one of the most traumatic thing I've gone through. Sampai satu tahap kadang kadang macam terfikir, "Apehal semua orang penipu niiii?! Dah, Im so done with all these bullsh*t."

But then again, life goes on rite? It is better to look ahead and prepare for the next than to look back and regret. :) hmm.. things have just been extremely tough. I hope 2012 brings me happiness and smiles that will make up this past year. InsyaAllah Aminnn..

As I am getting older hahaha 21 is not that old I know, this is something I need you dear future husband to know,

Dear soon-to-be-Imam-for-our-family, eventho I dont know who you'll be yet, I think of you EVERYDAY. InsyaAllah, I'll try my best to be ur Khadijah and I hope, U'll be my Muhammad. :')

till then.